


The Staff of Enlargement: Treasure of the Coituslands, or Four Kids Play an Inappropriately 'Mature' Roleplaying Game in John's Basement

by buttmaster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bodily fluid mentions, Gen, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Sexual Themes, Tentacles, The word 'moist', a bunch of 12 year olds making sex jokes, casual homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 07:34:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1849750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttmaster/pseuds/buttmaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another BR3 fill. I am equal parts ashamed and amused. It was for the following prompt:</p><p>AU where they're all sexually tense preteens playing a bad erotic knockoff of D&D.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Staff of Enlargement: Treasure of the Coituslands, or Four Kids Play an Inappropriately 'Mature' Roleplaying Game in John's Basement

"Okay, so, did everyone make their character sheets?" John had assembled all his friends in the basement, like he did every weekend for games day, so, luckily, Dad Egbert wasn't suspicious. Of course, what Dad didn't know is Dave Strider, horrible influence on his precious baby boy, had found a book in his Bro's room. The older Strider, a terrible influence on literally everyone ever.

"Yeah, but I don't see why you get to run things, Egbert. I mean, I found the book." Dave was still holding the book. It was an unofficial manual to D&D, with naked boobs right there on the cover. The Staff of Enlargement: Treasure of the Coituslands.

"Because you suck as a dungeon master, Dave! Like, you suck huge gay dicks at it. The one time you ran we never even left the tavern! You made us have a rap battle with some goblins who called themselves RUN-E.X.P. It was stupid."

"Jade liked it."

"I did! It was fun!"

"Jade likes everything, Dave!"

"I don't really like you right now, John. You're being a butt!"

"Man, I don't want you running this shit, Egbert. You're already talking about big gay dicks. Count me out."

"Count me in twice though." Rose looked up from her tablet. She had used her mom's credit card to purchase some choice supernatural erotica off Amazon, and was catching up on some pleasure reading while her friends bickered.

Jade laughed, but Dave just rolled his eyes. "Gross. You're gross. Everyone is gross."

"Dave! Why did you even bring the book if you didn't want to play?"

"Because it's hilarious. I mean, the Staff of Enlargement? And there are goblin dongs on page 20. It's gold, Egbert. It's total gold." Also, there was a hot topless cat lady huntress on page 44, which Dave would have been all about showing John if he wasn't in mixed company. Though they would have probably appreciated hot topless cat lady huntresses just as much.

"Whatever. You brought character sheets. I have a campaign in mind. I just need to... read up on erotic grappling really quick, and then it's off to..." John grinned. "The Southern Swamps of Moistness."

At the last word, the other three let out disgusted groans, Jade going so far as to gag a bit on it.

"But, uh, while I'm doing that, you guys are all in a tavern, a day's travel away from the swamp. There was an ad posted in the town square looking for brave adventurers to venture into the swamp, and you three answered. You're waiting for your contact. Also, there's a waitress there. I mean a, uh, a wench. And her bust is... practically... uh..." John ran his finger under some words on the page. "Spilling forth from her corset like an overfilled goblet of sweet wine."

"Okay, so, check it. I am Gmozt Sickfires, also known as Jam Master Gmozt. I'm a bard, specializing in vocal poetry, and I--"

"Dave!" John looked up from the manual. "Is this one of your RUN-E.X.P. guys?"

"Yes. I mean, it was either that or Rhizzaah of the Yuan-Ti Clan."

"Is that another rap thing? You know what? Never mind. So you're a bard? But you just sing? Do you have a weapon?"

"Yep. My dick!"

"Dave!" John glared. Meanwhile, Rose and Jade rolled eyes and giggled, respectively and with some overlap. "You're ruining the game. Your dick can't be a weapon."

"Page 102, dude. Check it. Dicks of unreasonable size can be used as bludgeons when erect."

"How big is unreasonable size?"

"16 inches."

"WHAT! Dave! That is, like, half your height! What the fuck. How does it even have enough blood?"

"Magic. I put all my skill points into rapping and then my dick, and have a Level 1 Tumescense spell. All legit. +3 Dick Bludgeon with an 18-20 crit range, and a jizz range attack I can use when I go into Berzerker Arousal."

"No! Berzerker is a Barbarian thing."

"Not if you use a feat point and look at the 12 inches and up dick size requirement!"

"You know what. Fuck this. Fuck Jam Master Gmozt and his monster rod! Jade, who are you?"

"Becrella Harlix, Lycan Witch! Here, I drew a picture!!" Jade slapped her character sheet on the table and turned around, diving for her backpack and rummaging through it, pulling out a notebook and excitedly bringing it back over and flipping through pages. "Here!"

The table reacted with stunned silence. Rose was the first to speak. "Those are... some big breasts."

"All the better to store plenty of mana!"

Dave reacted next. "And more than two."

"Six!"

"That is a lot... of breasts."

"Duh! She's a witch! She needs a lot of mana!"

John stared at the picture. John stared at the picture a lot. That was six boobs. Six. Sure, they were attached to a white-furred dog girl in a Halloween witch costume, but oh man he was imagining three pairs of boobs right now and what a world this was and why didn't he live there? "I like her. Tell me more."

"Okay, well, she is a magic user and she's really cool and she can fly and also she goes into heat, which means when she does, she has to have sex or she can't use magic."

John thought maybe Dave should run this game, and he should be a player too. But then Dave would win, and smug Dave was the enemy, and he was going to make sure Dave's character died a gruesome and sexually humiliating death in this game, for certain.

"Rose?"

"I am Melantha Ianira Velika of G'lob'glth, dark enchantress and loyal vessel servant of the Great Tentacled Ones of the Outer Ring, Mistress of Tendrils and Archmagus of the Grand Orgy of Undoing. Born in a corrupted church, a cover for a sexdeath cult of the Southern Land--"

"What. What is this. Rose, where are you getting this?"

"Online supplemental book. I mean, Dave brought the second edition. They're on edition five now. Don't worry, my character doesn't really use any of the new rules. Melantha's Penetrative Tentacle Aura Sap can be calculated the same as the Dark Shibari ability for the Eastern Rope Master, only she drains mana and 2d+1 life force as opposed to sapping the Willpower stat. Also, a +4 arousal bonus depending on how accomodating the targeted orifice is."

"Uh."

"Uh."

"Uh."

A chorus of uhs from the rest of the table. "What? I'm part of an online roleplay group in one of my, um, writing... communities. We've looked at this book before."

John took a deep breath. "Okay, so, while you're all there, getting acquainted, a man approaches. He is a nobleman, based on his clothes, and he looks ridiculous. Uh, but also, attractive. Like... an 8. On a regular scale. I mean, he has like, 16 points in Attractive in the game. So, you are the adventurers? He says. There is an artifact in the Southern Swamps of Moistness." John giggles at the name and at everyone else gagging. "I need a group to retrieve it. It's being guarded by a clan of assassins, The Fist of the Rear Path." Rose struggled to hold back a blush and Dave... and also John... didn't get the joke whatsoever. "I can give you more info. Maybe for... a trade. He looks at Jade and waggles his eyebrows. I just need to..." John rolls a die behind the DM screen. "Okay. Are you going to follow his advances or resist his seduction?"

"Ummmm, hmmm, am I in heat?"

"I don't know. Are you?"

"You need to roll it. I think the Estrus Matrix is in the... 110s, maybe? It's near the Lactation Progression Chart!" Now it was John's turn to blush as he flipped through the pages.

"Okay, found it." Another die roll. "Ummm, yes. You are in heat."

"Okay, so, I, uh, my tail starts wagging because I am totally going to have sex with this guy. So we get a room, I guess."

Dave raised an eyebrow. "What am I supposed to do? Like, Jam Master and the Hentai Wizard or whatever. Do we watch?"

"I don't care, Dave. Why don't you go club things with your ridiculously enormous penis?"

"No, John, I meant in game." Dave gave a huge shit-eating grin and winced when Jade slapped him with her notebook.

"Dave, I'm trying to sex up this weird nobleman so we can get Moist Swamp info! Stop being weird!"

The basement door unlocked and opened, relatively quickly.

John spoke a bit too loudly. "Okay! So! You are in the woods and you encounter a group of hobgremlins! A... small... party of them, and you, uh, Dave, what does your... uh... what does! He do. Your guy!"

"Hey, guys, just wanted to see if anyone had an appetite for some..." Mr. Egbert walked down the stairs holding a large tray. Jade's notebook laid open after hitting Dave, and there was a pretty detailed drawing of a naked cat butt on display. Rose quickly swiped it off the table. "Double-frosted chocolate cupcakes! I figure you all need the energy, down here fighting your Gandalfs and everything. Also, I brought everyone some fruit punch. Except Dave, I grabbed you some apple juice."

"Oh, heck yes, Mr. Eggs! Thanks!" Dave did a fistpump. "That sweet sweet apple nectar. Mmm."

"Alright, you kids. You all have fun." He set down the tray to a chorus of thank yous. "Maybe take a break in a little while and get some air. I'm not a hundred percent positive this old house is asbestos free." He gave a wink. "Well, if you need anything, I'll be upstairs cleaning my pipe collection." Dave snickered, almost dribbling apple juice. And then Mr. Egbert was gone.

John rolled his eyes and begrudgingly bit into a delicious but unwarranted cupcake. "Okay, so can we get to this sex thing now? You're in the room and he is taking off his pantaloons. He's got a dick and it is seventeen inches because he is way bigger than some little goblin, by the way."

"Umm, if he is full man-sized, I mean, by scale alone, Gnwhatever-his-name-is is way more dicked than this dick, dick."

"Oh my god, guys. Is this about your characters' penises, or your own? I think Mom's psychology book has a thing about this. Just compare them already and put this subject to bed, so to speak."

"I'm not a homosexual, Rose!"

"Yeah, Rose, what's wrong with you? John and I don't want to see dicks."

Rose smirked. "Unless they're hilarious goblin dicks in a weird roleplay book."

"Hilarious dicks are different, okay?"

"Like cat penises! They're spiny!" Jade beamed, sharing some weird dick knowledge, then having a big bite of cupcake.

"I... you know what? This was... a bad idea." John closed the book. "Do you guys just wanna do Ghostbusters again?"


End file.
